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starlight mints show was fun. I wasn't too fond of the second band though. I still had fun, yet my back was all tense and it kept bothering me. If only i Have better posture. I saw a lot of people I knew there and met some of my brothers friends I hadn't met before. Kinda wish I had had some beers to loosen me up but ah well.
Leaving for the airport for Vegas in 8 hours and i Havent finished packing yet!!!! it also appears i got rid of a purse i wanted to take, none that zip close are big enough... big enough ones are open and easier for people to get into.
off to sleep offthe horrendous headache so I can get up and pack!
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Saturday, March 13th, 2004
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a part of me keeps thinking I won't be seeing anyone once I go to Vegas this week. That it won't be me coming back, maybe no part of me will return.
Maybe I don't want any part of me to.
My brother suggested something, a reason why we get so caught up in our thoughts. It was as close to dead on summarizing all the crap in my head as possible, but now I can't remember....oooooooh!!!!!!!!!!
::light bulb::
I don't feel like I am reaching my potential. he was refering to school cause I was saying how I felt lazy cause my classes didn't require so much studying, etc. But I think it extends to every aspect of how I live my life. I am sad because I want to reach my full potential. I am not pushing myself in any direction, sure a little. but once I am praised, I don't try as hard, I seem to start out well on things and then digress. I want to reach my potential In dance. I have a good natural talent. Why don't I harvest it and see how strong and powerful it gets? Why don't I reach out to people more? That's the only way I am going to get any of the meaning from relationships that I yearn for. I feel like I have had this revelation before, let us hope this time it leads somewhere.
I still feel like a hermit. I went to hang out tonight and well I ended up at home watching a movie and making myself sick off mexican food. Then went to hang out elsewhere and just felt out of place, thinking what do I have in common with these people? I just stood there for a long time.
Too much reflecting today.
my sadness hit me suddenly while we were shopping. I couldn't seem to tell Danielle what i was thinking about to make me sad. Sure I had a list of crap in my mind of all the stuff I have on my mind. I need to get over this, even people closest to me I have a hard time talking to.
i just can't smile anymore today. Maybe by the time we leave....
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exactly how i feel:
my confidence is stuck in my throat
sometimes all I really want is to mean something to somebody the way they mean something to me.
is that such a horrible thing to desire?
I am overcome with such a deep sadness tonight that I feel like I was hit by a hurricane and I am now stuck in the eye. I am sitting on this island in it, and I watch everyone from the center. I want so much to get through this isolation, but I never get out of the calm, it should be the safety net of the storm... but I am sick of it. I threw myself in and I am the only one who can get myself out. I know what would need ot be done, but I don't do it. I sit there and I imagine my life in my head. Then I watch everyone else live theirs. When I do try, something discourages me and I don't make it far enough to stay in the chaos. I want to be a part of it. I don't remember if I ever was, if so, I wish I could remember how it felt.
I wonder if that made the analogy/sense I meant for it to.
"wipe out the imagination. Stop the pulling of the strings. confine yourself to the present"
i read something that quite struck me, and I hope the idea stays with me.
"If you have ever seen a hand cut off, or a foot, or a head, lyinganywhere apart from the rest of the body, so does a man make himself, as far as he can, who is not content with what happens, and separates himself from others, or does anything unsocial. SUppose that you have detached yourself from the natural unity- for you were made by nature a part, but now oyu have cut yourself off- yet here there is this beautiful provision, that it is in your power to unite yourself again. "
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SO I get really hyper and energetic and social after dance. Alas it is like 11 and everyone is poopin out!
I should sleep though so I make it to class. Damn early classes. It only took me until like 9pm to get productive. I have been super lazy lately. Saturday reminded me of everything i hated about myself and my life and my relationship with glover last year. I don't want to be like that anymore, no more waiting on people and more being busy.
I need to read. I have a list of books I have been thinking of reading once I finish Meditations:
Big Fish
Ishmael/My Ishmael
Dalai Llama book that I have had since JULY
Atlas Shrugged
some Jack Kerouac
Da VInci COde
I don't know much about any of these books except that I read the covers or something. I need suggestions of books to read.
LALALALALALALA
In a week I will be in vegas. I dont know what to pack or what Im going to do there. Let's just hope I can have fun
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Saturday, March 6th, 2004
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Last night was fun once we hit the town. And by town I mean Leah's.
The best part of the evening was when everyone made comments on LEah's "I <3 FLOPS" shirt. So as she passes me in the kitchen I ask her, "You didn't tell anyone my code name was Flops did you?"
And yes it probably doesn't seem funny to anyone else but at the time it was pretty funny. This led to me making myself a name tag....
I look like a dork in that picture...
and it's still bigger than I want it. must work on that
I then made multiple name tags for people. However Eduardo threw his on the table. I won't ever forgive Eduardo for that. Although some other guy really wanted Eduardo's name tag and kept calling himself Eduardo Humara or something.
Once home I thought it a good idea to go out again. I didn't realize how tired I was until I fell asleep within like thirty minutes of being at Cole's house. oops.
I tend to wake up early after nights of drinking. I can usually function well early. I didn't wanna wake the boys so I walked home and it took my 45 minutes. But it was a nice walk because it is a pretty day.
I hope someone goes to the garage sale with me cause I am putting off my project right now. Don't make me have to go do work!
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I havent jogged in three, now four days. For some reason I have lost motivation. That and I pulled a muscle in my leg which just gives me less inspiration to jog or exercise since I can't do any tapes because people are playing video games.
This makes me grumpy.
I want it to be the end of the world
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Saturday, February 28th, 2004
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I am going to a party where I know of maybe two people that will be there that I even faintly know.
This is definitely out of my character. And I am very skeptical when thinking back to the last large party where I knew only the people I went with. Bad bad.... and this time I am going by myself...?
Alas I have nothing else to do with my night and hopefully a band I want to see will be playing there. Atleast I can be more careful and trust me I will.
I did just get back from Ms Kendall's harp recital. it was amazingly beautiful, even if it did make me tired to sit there for an hour. Music is wonderful.
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Friday, February 27th, 2004
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SO I spent most of last night thinking and thinking and sitting at a table at a concert watching people... wishing I was social. I thought too much and I was all self loathing. I dunno. I think sometimes I feel less able to relate to people because of my height. Stupid..? yes, but dammit it is weird to me. And I think it is a factor.
Damn people for liking little 5 ft tall girls. I guess I am not very approachable and seem pissed off or sad all the time. But maybe my face isn't too expressive, thus mr richardson saying i had the best poker face in 11 grade. Or maybe I don't make enough things to go well in my life so that I am happy about them.
Blah.
I don't feel like putting it all into words anymore.
I need to get ass cracking on this art portfolio that is due in a week. I have barely thought about it. I need to think of what to put in it for my extra peices.... any art students out there give me your advice. I am applying for photography so do you think I should put in two photos or a print and something else?
My hair after being in pigtail buns all day on Tuesday.
For some reason I look twelve in this picture
my hair usually just lays plat like a sheet.. but you can kinda see the craziness in this one.
okay my hair looks extraordinarily red in this picture
I was going to post a lot more of old stuff but they were all huge. i wish I knew how to make them smaller... or rather talk someone into shrinking them for me since my computer has NO FORM OF PHOTO EDITING WHATSOEVER!
GRRR. I need to change that. So I thought I wouldn't post the mondo pictures that are way too big for the screen.
SO yeah guys Im pretty bored tonight. tons of little crap I need to get done, or work on. Maybe just spend time away from this damn machine doing stuff i used to take pleasure in... reading, practice my guitar, clean up my shit...
Well I do still like guitar, and cleaning just needs to happen. However I have had a hard time staying focused on any books lately and this makes me sad.
Damn people confuse me and frustrate me and I get to go to Vegas with many of them. I don't know how excited I am for this....
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Monday, February 23rd, 2004
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"Revere that which is best in the universe; and this is that which makes use of all things and directs all things. And in like manner also revere that which is bestin yourself; and this is of the same kind as that. For in yourself also, that which makes use of everything else, is this, and your life is directed by this. "
I really like that
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Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
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so I haven't written anything in awhile.. I don't know what to say.
I have learned that no exercise in about three days makes for a very unpleasant Jessica. So I just jogged for thirty minutes and then did pilates, and man jogging really helped let go of some tension I had building up. Then my mom called and said the camera was full after she only took 12 pictures. I so don't understand that cause I have had like fifty on there before and she was all pissy at me. I don't know what to do so I haveto look up stuff in this book and try to tell her how to fix it and if I can't she will continue to have horrible siteseeing and it will be my fault. UGH!
I need to finish my paper for art. I think I am about two thirds done writing and it only took a few hours. I still need to make my drawing though.
I am getting worried about OCU I need to come up with a thirty second solo . BLAH. I also need to not be a hermit anymore.
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Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
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Yesterday was an awesome day.
Class was pretty simple, we showed our projects and then watched some videos on artists. The best video was about art cars. And man, it just made me happy to see some of these people. They are incredibly eccentric and I just think there needs to be more of them in the world.
I then came and jogged and played at the park. But apparently I am too tall to do the monkey bar things because my KNEES hit the ground. Damnit.
I also finally saw One Flew Over the CUckoo's Nest , and they dubbed me Cheif. Cheif was like a 7 ft tall indian and he was silent for most of them movie. hmmm... thanks guys!
OH well it was fun.
I didn't have hardly any of my classes today cause my teacher is gone and I went to the doctor, however I do get to go to a three hours art lecture here in a second. So anyone have ideas on a sculpture I should design for on campus? I have to write a proposal for this in a week and I am lost on where to start. I hate group writings also, which is what we are working on.
So I am just happy I have had a good like last four days. Let's try and keep it up!
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Monday, February 16th, 2004
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What is your name?: JEssica
Are you named after anyone?: No
What's your screename?: jessiswickedhot
Would you name a child of yours after you?: no
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: jesse? I dunno
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: cant think of one right now
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: they say steinis instead of Stenis
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: eh
Basics
Your gender:: female
Straight/Gay/Bi:: eh
Birthdate:: July 11
Your age:: 19
Age you act:: sometimes 13 somtimes 23
Age you wish you were:: 21
Your height:: 5' 11"
Eye color:: hazel
Happy with it?: sure
Hair color:: reddish brown
Happy with it?: I suppose, I made it that way
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:: left
Your living arrangement:: house with kristin and stacy
Your family:: too close
Have any pets?: tippy and beta
Whats your job?: bookstore
Piercings?: ears
Tattoos?: None.
Obsessions?: oh dear...
Addictions?: dancin?
Do you speak another language?: No.
Have a favorite quote?: lots
Do you have a webpage?: I made one like five years ago, it is pretty lame
Do you live in the moment?: absolutely not, I live in my head.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: yes.
Do you have any secrets?: yes
Do you hate yourself?: Sometimes.
Do you like your handwriting?: yes
Do you have any bad habits?: plenty
What is the compliment you get from most people?: nice eyes I suppose
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: Stuck in her HEad
What's your biggest fear?: failing myself
Can you sing?: I can sing, it doesnt always resemble singing
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: Not anymore
Are you a loner?: i think so
What are your #1 priorities in life?: dance, make people happy
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: I suppose
Are you a daredevil?: nope
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: sure
Are you passive or agressive?: passive agressive as hell
Do you have a journal?: this one
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: hard.. strength- hard working, caring. weakness- moodiness, laziness, indecisive
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: be more agressive
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: yes
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: yes
Do you think life has been good so far?: its been decent
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: Don't put so much of yourself into other people for they just let you down
What do you like the most about your body?: nothing anymore, I miss those legs I used to have
And least?: inflating areas
Do you think you are good looking?: sometimes
Are you confident?: when drinking
What is the fictional character you are most like?: eh, Ive been told I resemble olive oil?
Are you perceived wrongly?: probably
Do You...
Smoke?: No
Do drugs?: not very often
Read the newspaper?: I glance at it
Pray?: No
Go to church?: No.
Talk to strangers who IM you?: strangers dont IM me
Sleep with stuffed animals?: no, they got pushed to the floor
Take walks in the rain?: those are nice
Talk to people even though you hate them?: Yes.
Drive?: yes
Like to drive fast?: kinda
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?: when I try it can be ok
Been out of the country?: yep!
Eaten something that made other people sick?: uh, I used to eat peanut butter and mayo sandwhiches in first grade
Been in love?: no, I have loved, but there is a difference
Done drugs?: Yes.
Gone skinny dipping?: No.
Had a medical emergency?: not so much
Had surgery?: No.
Ran away from home?: No.
Played strip poker?: No.
Gotten beaten up?: No.
Beaten someone up?: No.
Been picked on?: Yeah.
Been on stage?: Yes, a lot a lot
Slept outdoors?: yes
Thought about suicide?: Thought but not seriously contemplated.
Pulled an all nighter?: yes
If yes, what is your record?: 40some hours
Gone one day without food?: nooooo
Talked on the phone all night?: no, people tend to not like talking on the phone with me
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: Yeah.
Slept all day?: Yes.
Killed someone?: No.
Made out with a stranger?: it depends what constitutes stranger, but id say no
Had sex with a stranger?: No.
Thought you're going crazy?: Yeah.
Kissed the same sex?: yep
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: cuddled? pecked on the lips
Been betrayed?: Sure.
Had a dream that came true?: no
Broken the law?: Yep.
Met a famous person?: yep
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: I dont think so
On purpose?: No.
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: no
Stolen anything?: no
Been on radio/tv?: prolly the orchestra was on the school channel sometime.
Been in a mosh-pit?: Yes. oh yessss
Had a nervous breakdown?: not quite
Bungee jumped?: No.
Had a dream that kept coming back?: I dont remember
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?: Yes.
Miracles?: Not really
Astrology?: I read the horoscopes a lot....
Magic?: No
God?: I dunno
Satan?:
Santa?: No
Ghosts?: eh
Luck?: hmm
Love at first sight?: yes
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: Yeah.
Witches?: not really
Easter bunny?: uhm
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: Yes.
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: no
Do you wish on stars?: Yes.
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: No.
Do you think God has a gender?: Eh.
Do you believe in organized religion?: No.
Where do you think we go when we die?: our bodies rot in the ground
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: yep
Who is your best friend?: none
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: myself
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: "let your light shine for all to see and bask in, go for it"
Your favourite inside joke?:oh wow too many to choose
Thing you're picked on most about?: being a giant
Who's your longest known friend?: gina or steph
Newest?: uh
Shyest?: leah ?
Funniest?: we're all professional comedians
Sweetest?:
Closest?: no
Weirdest?: uhm gina perhaps
Smartest?: were all smart on our own thing
Ditziest?: everyone has ditzy moments
Friends you miss being close to the most?: everyone
Last person you talked to online?: justin
Who do you talk to most online?: whoever is there
Who are you on the phone with most?: my mom
Who do you trust most?: I dont trust too many people
Who listens to your problems?: whoever will listen
Who do you fight most with?: i dont fight
Who's the nicest?: uhm
Who's the most outgoing?: larla/gina
Who's the best singer?: no one really sings much
Who's on your shit-list?: heh
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: eh not really
Who's your second family?: used to be MDA
Do you always feel understood?: never
Who's the loudest friend?: oh gosh, get us together and we'll deafen you
Do you trust others easily?: no
Who's house were you last at?: Raos.
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in::
Do your friends know you?: kinda
Friend that lives farthest away:: Sally lives in Alaska
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?: mistakes are crucial
What do you find romantic?: never really had much romance here
Turn-on?: passion for something
Turn-off?: heh, too big egos, players
First kiss?: it happened
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?: flattered
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going: well I dont date much, I guess it wouldnt matter too much. I just like talking with people
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: not really, less pressure for me
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: no?
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: perhaps
What is best about the opposite sex?: eyes, openness, good humor
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: there's definitely been a list...
What's the last present someone gave you?: my mom gave me cookies for v day
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?:
You wanted to kill?: damn politicians
That you laughed at?:the movie...
That laughed at you?: prolly whoever saw me car dancing on the way home
That turned you on?: ehheh
You went shopping with?: myself
That broke your heart?: glover
To disappoint you?: myself
To ask you out?: guy I met online
To make you cry?: wow I actually havent cried in awhile... my dad
To brighten up your day?: the guy in the art video who was obsessed with hamburgers and made a hamburger car and had a hamburger waterbed! There needs to be more eccentric people in the world
You saw a movie with?: date
You talked to on the phone?: ray
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: justin
You saw?: rao
You lost?: I havent lost anyone lately, yaya though
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?: nope
Will it be with your significant other?: no significant other
What are you wearing right now?: dance clothes
Body part you're touching right now:: none?
What are you worried about right now?: lots of stuff, getting into dance mostly
What book are you reading?: Harry Potter 4
What's on your mousepad?: green
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:: achey, tipsy, anxious, pathetic, lonely
Are you bored?: yes
Are you tired?: naw
Are you talking to anyone online?: not really, the conversation ceased as i took this survey
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: No.
Are you lonely or content?: lonely dude I just said
Are you listening to music?: I am always
Wow, that was way long and my answers suck.
TIme to shower
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
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Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results | Sociability | ||||||||| | 30% | | Gregariousness | ||||||||||||||| | 50% | | Assertiveness | ||||||||| | 30% | | Activity Level | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Excitement-Seeking | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Enthusiasm | |||||||||||| | 34% | | Extroversion | |||||||||||| | 39% | | Trust | |||||||||||| | 38% | | Morality | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Altruism | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Cooperation | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Modesty | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Sympathy | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Friendliness | |||||||||||||||||| | 60% | | Competence | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Neatness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Dutifulness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Achievement | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Self-Discipline | ||||||||||||||| | 46% | | Cautiousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Orderliness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Anxiety | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Volatility | ||||||||||||||| | 42% | | Depression | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Self-Consciousness | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Impulsiveness | |||||||||||||||||| | 58% | | Vulnerability | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Emotional Stability | |||||||||||| | 35% | | Imagination | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Artistic Interests | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Emotionality | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Adventurousness | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Intellect | ||||||||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Liberalism | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Openmindedness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
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Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
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obsessive?
yesterday I jogged 30 minutes, we ran around to the griffin parking lot then back up to like mosier and over to the hospital back to the chinese church and then home.
Then I did pilates, went to workout place for thirty minutes, then I had dance.
I felt great yesterday.
Today dance was awesome. IN jazz we did a bunch of what I have deemed butt sit ups. And butt sit ups are painful.
I got my grade for the art test that I thought I did horribly on. I got an A! yay!
Maybe the reason I am more energetic at night is because I exercise late afternoon/evening. I should start doing things in the morning before school.
I also found out I got into OCU. However before I can be in the dance program I have to audition. And they are so strict on weight. Thank goodness I gained like 15 pounds in the last six months. GR. So if they dont take me I am going to hop it to Cali. That's the dream anyways.
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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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You know those days when you really wish you had a third arm and hand?
Well I had one of those on Saturday.
HOlding a torch with one hand and the brazing rod with the other only leaves your creativity with firebricks to hold the wires in place. And dammit if they don't move around and wobble and just take too long to situate. I wanted a third or even fourth hand to just hold them in place for me.
Atleast it is looking like something now. It will be a large wire camera. I just hope I don't run out of time cause it's due in a week.
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well I just drank too much for myself.
I don't remember much past playing fubar with brandon and tara and almost sleeping on raos bed.
I did lose my glasses and just drove home with blurry vision after sleeping off that gatorade and vodka.
I have to perform tomorrow and I didn't feel much like sleeping in the bitter cold on the couch, so hopefully I will find them tomorrow.
I did have fun, even if I didn't talk to him, I really need to get over this horrible painfully awkward stage where I kind of am a shithead. but I think it's a subconscious response to how I was treated by him when I tried to be friends with him in the summer.
Atleast tonight made me not think about the five little things aching my heart up earlier. Well one of them is the before mentioned mess, but I seemed to let the beer and socialization with other people tune that out for me.
Im not too tired anymore but I guess I will wander upstairs to sleep.
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Friday, February 6th, 2004
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I really feel like I just need someone to randomly talk to, not just to bitch about things like I usually do with my friends. Just about life, the world, I want to learn from people more. Things feel so shallow lately.
I have tried though. but I find meeting people difficult, er the after meeting people part proves most difficult and disapointing.
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Thursday, February 5th, 2004
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I know this is a lot of entries in a row for me. but I was looking at clothes and this is what I found:
JELLIES!??!?
I just don't know what to think about this.
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So I finally had my ear checked again.
Apparently there is dried blood all on my eardrum so she couldn't tell if there is still a hole or not. I am now taking an antbiotic, a decongestant, ear drops, and nasal spray crap. I hate horse pills. But I don't want to impair my hearing forever so I will choke them down with looks of disgust.
I wish I wasn't sinking down into the lameness of things I don't need to be so concerned about.
maybe I am sad because I didn't have either of my dance classes today. I was actually looking forward to jazz.
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